8| Ayurveda & Clay: Anger

originally written march 23rd

How can we learn to feel the fire without being burned or burning others?

When Anger arrives Uninvited

It is a peculiar thing to feel an emotion so strongly that we are not used to. We don’t really know what to ‘do’ with it and perhaps that is the biggest lesson in itself - we aren’t meant to do anything, but rather feel it fully, build a relationship with it, seek to understand what it is here to tell us.

I must admit I am still learning how to practice this. I realise when emotions are less comfortable - sadness, anger, anxiety - I often jump into a trance of thinking something is wrong and want to do whatever I can to ‘fix’ the feeling. Rather than watching the beauty of the water droplets that appear from a damp-ridden wall in Nairobi rainy season I am conditioned to find a solution fast…sure the damp needs to be resolved, but perhaps there is a moment of befriendment and bewilderment that can be serenaded before reverting to action.

I am starting to see it as a two way dance, one inward, one outward. The inward dance is that which I have described - taking a moment or three to make sense of what lies beneath the sharp fire that has become stocked in our being. At first we may feel like a victim, quick to blame another or a situation for ‘making us feel this way’, when actually it is our choice whether we feel the anger. I can see how in the initial moment, it does arrive as an external force, a hurricane swooping over our being, blinding us and rendering us powerless and ungrounded. Yet thereafter, the length of time we choose to carry it and how we allow it to fester like a moulded cheese rind left out on the kitchen counter for a few days too long, becomes ours and ours alone.

What Ayurveda & Clay Teach about Suppressed Fire

Ayurveda and much of the fascinating bodies of work around our bodies storing emotions and memories, urges us to not repress anger when it is felt. If we do, it will become a weakness within our immune system that will show face time and time again until released (often, for anger expressed as pain in our lower back). And it urges, perhaps even more strongly, not to allow it to be incorrectly expressed as sadness and tears. We may feel sad for what has happened, but I am learning it is essential for this to not overshadow the underlying current that is the very fire, the blaze, the ferocity of anger. For anger wants to be directed, it is an energy that by its very nature wants to be mobilised. It wants the wrongness to be acknowledged not suffocated. It wants to breathe, evolve, become…

I’ve been experimenting channeling anger by wedging clay. Seeing how the physical, repeating force against a board shifts something within me. The final ball tightened, lifeless, dense. Only to throw it on a wheel or tend to it slowly by hand. To understand why it existed by being present with the grey lump of earthy matter whilst it transforms into something more spacious and alive. As it moves, how do I feel. What has been going on? What deserves attention? A trance-like state washes over me. I dont really know what I am creating anymore. I am just playing and noticing what the clay becomes, is there a thickness, does it crumble, can I find grace?

Learning to Hold the Flame

Where I have moved from a small place in the past and recently, is by directing that flame at that who I deemed ‘wronged’ me in a manner that was without much composure. My pain ricocheting through me at the cellular level prevented any grace. It is unusual for me in the past seven years or so to feel this way. I am a person of a strong pitta constitution naturally. Throughout childhood and teens, and early twenties too for that matter, I did feel a lot of anger. At the world, at myself and towards other people. My fuse was quite short, my expression of anger quite uncontained.

But it’s a much more alien feeling these days. I am much better at holding this fire within me in a balanced way where it can energise goodness rather than be unproductive. It sits within me as an illuminating force that can help me discern and be courageous. To find myself feeling as though the pitta energy within my mind was unbalanced once again showed me that something had happened which was beyond my body’s ability to contain it inside. Showed me that the unmet need beneath the anger was too painful to ignore. It pointed out to me what felt important.

When Anger Transforms into Compassion

Yet what was curious to me this time is that the fire naturally began to be transmuted by empathy, compassion and non-judgement. The pain still existed yet I began to be able to carry it with the kindness of acceptance. I wanted to stay angry, my ego desperate to cling onto the false sense of refuge that it could take in blaming another; yet I simply wasn’t able to. Anger had been felt. Anger had been fully expressed. Anger had been understood. Yet anger clearly did not belong anymore. Not within me, and certainly not towards this person.

There’s something oddly purifying about this. Do our closest relationships challenge us to evolve, to go back and revisit the very things stored in our bodies so we can be free of them? Situations might still render our hearts a little guarded, but the more we allow the experience to be fully felt, to fully move through, the more the ego gets transmuted. This sense of being wronged is likely still true, but it doesn’t have to have such a strong grip over us, doesn’t have to cause disharmony.

My school, and spiritual community, Hridaya, has taught me often that love is a more powerful lifeforce than anger or fear or hatred. That love has the ability to melt barriers and transform the world around us. Despite still being in the thick of heartbreak I still deeply believe this. This subconscious transformation of anger into subtle, unconditional love that happened during meditation shows me the alchemic potency of the heart. Yes, this happened in relation to someone whom I love, but also someone who I feel broken hearted for.

If anger can alchemise amidst the thick of suffering then it makes me wonder under what other conditions can this happen? Am I able to alchemise the anger I have for the state of the world at the moment, for the injustices and the disparities I witness on a daily basis living in Nairobi, for the people who have committed crimes against humanity. Can we carry all these occurrences and people in our heart as one collective shared humanity? Can we see that we all are made of the same elemental elements, that we are all of the same essence.

Seeing Ourselves in All Beings

The poem ‘Call me by my True Names’ springs to mind:

"Don’t say that I will depart tomorrow —
even today I am still arriving.

Look deeply: every second I am arriving
to be a bud on a Spring branch,
to be a tiny bird, with still-fragile wings,
learning to sing in my new nest,
to be a caterpillar in the heart of a flower,
to be a jewel hiding itself in a stone.

I still arrive, in order to laugh and to cry,
to fear and to hope.
The rhythm of my heart is the birth and death
of all that is alive.

I am the mayfly metamorphosing
on the surface of the river.
And I am the bird
that swoops down to swallow the mayfly.

I am the frog swimming happily
in the clear water of a pond.
And I am the grass-snake
that silently feeds itself on the frog.

I am the child in Uganda, all skin and bones,
my legs as thin as bamboo sticks.
And I am the arms merchant,
selling deadly weapons to Uganda.

I am the twelve-year-old girl,
refugee on a small boat,
who throws herself into the ocean
after being raped by a sea pirate.
And I am the pirate,
my heart not yet capable
of seeing and loving.

I am a member of the politburo,
with plenty of power in my hands.
And I am the man who has to pay
his “debt of blood” to my people
dying slowly in a forced-labor camp.

My joy is like Spring, so warm
it makes flowers bloom all over the Earth.
My pain is like a river of tears,
so vast it fills the four oceans.

Please call me by my true names,
so I can hear all my cries and my laughter at once,
so I can see that my joy and pain are one.

Please call me by my true names,
so I can wake up,
and so the door of my heart
can be left open,
the door of compassion".

Returning to the Body

I’m not there yet. My door of compassion swings open and closed in the mid-winter breeze but increasingly it is more left ajar. Yet I’ve learnt that anger does exist within me - I’ve perhaps actually not been paying enough attention to it, not expressing it enough, making excuses for other people too readily. But this avoidance of confrontation is quite toxic and certainly doesn’t serve a relationship in the long run. I can see how it has been festering inside me causing blockages and misalignments. But there’s the aspiration one day to move with this deeply compassionate interconnectedness of heart, with a felt-sense of the interconnection between our shared sufferings and pains.

I found myself wondering, is the anger I feel ever just ‘my anger’ and mine alone? Does everyone live in anger to some degree, do all our bodies store remnants of it, like the gently burning embers at the end of a spring fire? Perhaps anger doesn’t need to carry the weight of identity as a personal flaw but can actually be digested as something quite universal. And with this, do we see how when we tenderly hold and befriend and express our anger we are curing it not just for us but many others around us. A Sufi teaching touches upon the same:

"Overcome any bitterness that may have come
Because you were not up to the magnitude of the pain
That was entrusted to you.
Like the mother of the worlds,
Who carries the pain of the world in her heart,
Each one of us is part of her heart,
And therefore endowed
With a certain measure of cosmic pain."

Ayurveda teaches us that we all are made up of each of the three doshas. We are elemental creatures and so cannot possibly exist without a degree of each constitution within us, we just carry them in differing amounts. Thus we all contain fire. We are all entrusted with the emotion of anger. The more balanced we are, the greater the degree of choice we have whether we want to act upon that anger. And choosing not to do so doesn’t have to mean we are enabling behaviours or circumstances. Sometimes it simply doesn’t feel like our dharma, our responsibility, to support that person to grow or situation to change.

If it does, or if it is a deeply intimate relationship (like mother to daughter) that we can’t really escape from even if we needed to, there then lies a choice in either moving from a place of graceful assertion or simply falling into a place of acceptance, a place of unconditional love - loving them regardless of what has transpired.

We choose the silence of letting go. We see how this also brings us peace. It doesn’t have to mean self-abandonment. It doesn’t have to mean we don’t express that anger into a pillow or by wailing into the night’s sky like a wolf or through a firm conversation. It is perhaps just the most sattvic long-term choice that helps us stay within our own balance and harmony that enables greater healing in our bodies and minds.

Understanding the Elements and Constitutions within Us

Vata Dosha: Vata is created by the elements Ether and Air. Ether is the idea of space and connectedness. Air is the idea of motion. Together, Ether and Air are cold, light, dry and mobile. If you are Vata in your nature or imbalance, these characteristics will dominate in your body and mind. Your body features will tend to be small, thin and light.

When in balance, you will likely be bubbly and light-hearted, filled with enthusiasm and creativity. When out of balance you may experience fear, reactivity and difficulty making decisions. A general sense of ungroundedness may prevail.

Pitta Dosha: Pitta is created from the elements of Fire and Water, but is mostly fire. Fire is the idea of heat, transformation and illumination. Water adds smoothness and flow. In combination, those of a Pitta nature tend to be warm and fiery. The Pitta body is moderate in size with moderate-sized features.

Pitta brings focus, clarity and logic to the mind. When out of balance you may experience anger, judgement and burn-out.

Kapha Dosha: Kapha is created from the elements of Earth and Water. Earth is the idea of solidity and stability. Water is the idea of flow. Together, Earth and Water are heavy, moist, cool and solid. Kapha brings stability to the body and sweet compassion to the mind.

When in balance you will likely be calm, relaxed and dependable. When out of balance you may experience a melancholic feeling, a sense of over-attachment or rigidity in the mind and a sluggishness.

So anger is fire, clay is earth, the body is the kiln and awareness is what shapes it

I’m learning that anger is not something to be feared or ashamed of, but something to be shaped. Like clay, it arrives dense, resistant, sometimes cracked from what it has held before. But when worked with patience, when pressed, turned and given breath, it softens. It reveals its texture. Ayurveda reminds us that fire is not our enemy. Fire is what digests, illuminates, transforms. Without it there would be no courage, no discernment, no change. The work, then, is not to extinguish anger, but to learn how to hold it with steadiness - to feel its heat without letting it scorch, to shape it into something that brings clarity rather than harm. And perhaps, each time we do, something within us becomes a little more spacious, a little more alive.

With peace, Tash x

What’s been sparking my curiosity?

Hearing: the sound of torrential spring rains pummelling down, washing away the bitter-sweet pains of our learnings - hypnotic, rhythmic, loud…breaking the trance

Seeing: sellers lining the side of bustling Kangemi roads, stalls lit by solar lighting and polluted by passing fumes, smiles spread across faces despite the harshness

Tasting: the bitterness of neem overshadowing so many flavours as I desperately try to clear lingering parasitic foes

Smelling: the sweet nectar of the giant Brugmansia flower - bees in a state of ecstasy, perhaps momentarily moved to a different realm

Touching: the thick petal of a giant dalia; picked and thus alive for just one day…perhaps it is better to leave some things untouched…

Feeling: saddened by being with someone who seldom gave me the chance to grow into who they needed me to be, a fear of confrontation actually being the very thing to shrink both our worlds

“But anger truly felt at its center is the essential living flame of being fully alive and fully here, it is a quality to be followed to its source, to be prized, to be tended, and an invitation to finding a way to bring that source fully into the world through making the mind clearer and more generous, the heart more compassionate and the body larger and strong enough to hold it. What we call anger on the surface only serves to define its true underlying quality by being a complete and absolute mirror-opposite of its true internal essence” ~ David Whyte

(Read whole passage here)