a poem and pondering on asymmetry

If you've ever stared at the Taj youll know the revocation that a building of such symmetry brings. The mind calms, you're lured into a dream-like state from the intense beauty and magnitude of what perches before you. Spellbound. Your own being rendered insignificant. 

The same unconscious take-over can happen in nature. Gaze long enough at the spiral of a seacreatures shell or the patterns of a locust wing, identical to that of a shimmering leaf and again we are spellbound by the symmetry. A delicate wave of ease washes over you.

Faces that are symmetrical are thought to hold classical beauty. There's a predictability that the mind appreciates. And we all know the ooze of satisfaction that a playful butterfly brings as she warms her bedazzling wings in the morning sunlight.

Is this why then, that when the vastness of love contained within a relationship carries an Asymmetrical energy it can feel, for some, devastating rather than manageable? We are so enamoured by the symmetry of life that when it's a little imperfect we render a wrongness rather than a gentle curiosity?

I believe imbalances in relationships are a natural rhythm that will fluctuate between seasons. Flickering like a Sunday morning candle flame…moving in ‘favour' of one heart and then the other; forever over the course of a relationship. Each time the pendulum swings, it likely feels uncomfortable, for both…the question “can I be with this” pierces the air. Conversation and honesty enables authenticity. Deletes assumptions. Likely eases the discomfort, lessens the story that is often not quite accurate.

But sometimes we are denied the honour, the respect, the chance of bringing a different perspective. Of finding mutual ways to restore equilibrium. I wrote a poem on the same…

“Tired of holding back I dare to give you a glimmer

A glimmer of my hearts propensity to open and love 

Radiant like the sunbirds call

How lucky you were.

I thought the moment might be met with grace, with a smile, with a sense of curiosity

I demanded nothing more

Even my patience wasnt laced with expectation

It was unconditional love you were being painted with

Were you so undeserving not to see this?

Instead you speak matter-of-factly about imbalances

Reducing feelings to a scientific experiment

You wrap yourself in your laboratory coat

Mind sharp yet unagile 

Discernment clouded by your own sense of rightness 

No desire to find the field and meet me there

You've given up on me

You've given up on you

Again.

Yet little did you know the imbalance wasnt so stark

So terrifying

So devastating

It's a low standard deviation when what’s standing before you calls themselves stone.

You amplified my love into something unbearable yet I'd hardly even begun letting you in…

Like a shooting star that teases only for a split second

I felt my barriers go up as soon as that fleeting moment of falling had pulled them down

The ground too unsafe to be who I know im capable of being 

Your own cowardliness shrunk my love.

I see it all now.

From day one you told me you've never dared to dive in

I should have known better than to trust you might be braver with me

I thought the risk of being in a relationship with a friend might mean you examined your world more closely

For the sake of our friendship you might first shine lights in dark places

But what a fool I was to think youd offer me that care and respect

Your selfishness too ingrained.

You didnt even try to dare to lean in

Try to remove obstacles or jump over the first hurdle of discomfort

Like that race horse who has a shard of fear in their beautiful dark eyes, you flung me off and galloped in a fury of madness round the same ring…looping…

Again and again and again.

You didnt even try to surprise yourself with how beautiful the cloud of love can feel 

You couldn't even play with the idea that a meaningful connection might be born

You wore your lab coat too tight

Astringent black tea had stripped your being of fluidity

Numbed to the rare flash of beauty and comfort and adventure that was before you.

You convinced yourself you tried but werent you asking the wrong questions, taking a flawed approach…
We dont quieten the mind by force but by relaxation, by grace, by porous possibility…We dont force love to arrive, we relax the barriers so it can take root…

Instead the tension of your control, the urgency, the fear simply made my own love less steady, less pure…

That's not the sort of love that feels safe and powerful to receive…

That's not the way I deserve to express my love…there's a toxicity, a palette of colour muddied by too much black ink on the end of an old brush…

I stopped being able to see the picture I thought we were once painting…together…

The canvas darkened.

I lost myself in your own wound. Forgot my own. Abandoned myself in forgiveness of you. But how dare you walk this world as if your history can cast shadows on everyone else's. I mourn how I let your story mold me, dim me, make me tread on eggshells all in service of managing your emotions…

And I vow to never let it happen again. 

But now…now what…it seems the ink still seeps onto my canvas of life?

You chipped away at me when we were together

Broke me by stepping away

And now, in your wake, you continue to haunt me

Fuelling me with anger and resentment that doesnt belong

Please, I beg, let my heart mend.”